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11/25/2006

A moment in the life of an abused child who has grown up

This has been such a long and trying month. I've sat down to the computer a dozen times trying to let you know where I've been but haven't known where to start. I grew up in an extremely abusive home, physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually, and this has affected every moment of my adult live whether or not I've been aware of it. It has affected each of my brothers and sisters also. You think that when you grow up and leave the house that it is over, that you have finally won, that you are out and safe. Not so, not as long as I allow them to influence every step that I make. Not as long as I stay silent and watch others suffer through the same abuse that I went through. Do you realize that most children who are abused as children grow up to marry abusers and to be abusers themselves? You are what you are taught until someone teaches you better! Thankfully I realized this at a young age and had the influence of a wonderful friend and her family to teach me what a family is supposed to be like. I have a wonderful husband who would never think about raising a hand to me and has never said one disparaging word to me. My parents have guardianship of my younger sisters children due to substance abuse, neglect and domestic violence. They have been abusing my two nieces and my nephew and I have stood by. During this time I have tried to talk to my parents about their behaviour and they have refused to acknowledge what they are doing. I made an effort to help right? I tried to help right? that's enough right? I'll just love the kids and provide a safe place for them to visit. That's enough right? They'll make it through, we did, right? I don't have to turn on my family to make a change do I? I don't have to tell others what's going on do I? I was not doing enough! My husband and I had to stop it. After talking to my sisters and being told that they wouldn't help, that they wouldn't tell the truth about the abuse we had to do it on our own. We went to the state on my parents. My sisters have turned their backs on us and sided with my parents because they don't want to be embarrassed, they want their pasts left alone. Then something amazing happened, my niece and her husband stood up with us. They are a young, married couple with a 2 year old and a baby on the way and they stood up with us. My niece talked to the state, told what it is like at my parents. She is amazing - she is my hero. At 22 years old she is doing what I didn't at her age, what I convinced myself that I couldn't. She is choosing right over wrong and she is suffering for it but she is standing fast and strong. I am so in awe of her. This past month my husband and I became licensed Foster Parents in the state of NH and on December 19th one of our nieces and our nephew will be removed from my parents home and will be placed with us. We will be petitioning the court at that time to have my other niece's case reopened so she can also be removed. At the end of a long month my "family" is smaller but stronger and I can finally say that I am doing enough to stop them. This post is long and rambling but you have been so kind to me. Once this is all settled I will be online more and will post more cards and visit your blogs. Thank you!!!

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this with all of us. But most of all thank you for standing up for your neices and nephew. Please know that you did the right thing. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Denise Bryant (imchatty) said...

As I tell my children....you know the difference between right and wrong...have the courage to stand up for what is right and don't be afraid or influenced by others around you to make a bad decision. Stay strong....you made the right decision even though it may hurt others at the moment.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story. It is sad, but I am so glad to hear that you are standing up against evil. You are saying that your niece is your hero, but I think you are a hero too, standing up for her against your family. God is there with you. He hates evil. My prayers are with you. I will be looking forward to reading positive things from you!!

Lorie said...

Oh, Michelle...you are so amazing! You have done such a great thing for your nieces even though it hasn't been popular. You have started to break a cycle of violence in your family and you should be so proud of yourself. I can't imagine the internal tumoil you've been going through. Please take care of yourself eating well and getting plenty of rest. You actions have shown others in your family what is right and what is wrong.

Don't worry about us...we are loyal waiting for you to take care of your family! I'll stalk your blog until you return!

Danita said...

{{{{{{hug}}}}}}
Kudos to you for taking a stand! So many people never deal with that difficult reality because they think it's less painful to just ignore it. I'm so proud of you for being able to face your past and help your nieces and nephew! You will all be much better for it in the end. It will be a very long, hard road, but you have support and strength. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You know we're here to support you, too.

Anonymous said...

Michelle, this is a WONDERFUL you have done and continue to do! Stand strong and KNOW you're doing what's right, regardless what other family members do and see.

God bless you and your husband and God bless those children you will have in your home also!

Susan
moot96@aol.com

Gail Binette said...

I'm so sorry for all that you've had to endure during your life. There is no excuse for abuse and I'm happy that you've found the courage to stand up and speak out. What a blessing you are to your nieces and nephew. Stay strong and know that you are loved.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog today, so you don't know me at all but I felt a strong need to tell you how wonderful you are.
Thank God you are standing up to do the right thing. You and your husband are heros!!!! Your sister's children now have adults in their life to help them to heal and realize what a family realy is. Hang in there. You are so cool!
Blessings,
June

Anonymous said...

Michelle, you are very brave to do what you have done. It may have been very hard, but in your heart you know you have done the right thing. That is not always the easiest path to follow, but think what you have spared those children. They have endured much already with their parents, I'm sure, that you didn't detail. Hang in there. In time, others in your family may rally around you knowing you really did do what was right. Hang in there. You are awesome. Prayers are on their way.

Anonymous said...

Michelle,
What a wonderful thing you are doing! We have been foster parents for 25 years and have adopted two of the children that have been placed in our home. There will be hard times ahead, but stay strong and know in your heart of hearts that you have done the right thing. God bless!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story, no matter how hard it was. YOu are doing the right thing and as you help your nieces and nephew through this, your own healing will take place, too.
I am so sorry about your past and all that was done to you. I'm glad that you are taking a stand now to do what is right (it's so very hard to go against family, even when you know they are in the wrong!).
Blessings on you and those you are helping!

Rose Reynolds said...

Thank God for you, Michelle. My 87yr old Dad was so horribly abused by his dad. His mother died when my dad was 1yr.and 1day old. It left 7 little kids without a mom. He has grieved all these years that no one...not grandparents or aunts or uncles helped them. My dad NEVER abused us and he is indeed the best dad ever. Some day your goodness will come back to you when those kids are old enough to say "Michelle cared." Thank God for you, Michelle. Rose Reynolds. Ft. Worth, Tx

Anonymous said...

I CANT TELL YOU HOW PROOUD OF YOU I AM!! YOU ROCK, YOUR NIECE ROCKS AND I STAND WITH YOU IN YOUR DECISION.(altho its not my place I support you 100%) I too have an abusive history- mostly mental and verbal when my past marriage started to become violent I moved him out and divorced him. I still see the reprocussions in my children even tho they are older.
I am clapping my hands for joy for you and your decision. Dont allow yourselves to be bullied anymore!
Gwen

Renee V. said...

Hugs to you for sharing your story with all of us. I'm amazed at your strength and courage.
Hugs,
Renee
happystamper05 scs

Debby said...

I am so proud of you, this is a hard thing to do but you did the right thing. And Thank God for you neice for coming forward too. I was lucky and didn't have an abusive family but was engaged at one time to a man that was. Luckly my sister seen through him and woke me up before it was to late. Don't back down! Keep the faith you are doing the right thing and in the end it will be all worth while.